I lay in our high four-poster bed, and everything is swirling around. I can't sleep, eyes hurting and heavy in mid-afternoon--the anxiety threatens to break me--and I moan and let the tears stream, let them break open past the lump in throat, let the trapped burn escape.
I bury my head in feather pillow, the soft brown cotton catching the wet, the words and voices circulating in my head relentless. Husband hears, comes and holds me and talks to me. I tell him it's happening again, and oh, the frustration of it.
How did I get here again? I have no idea. Why am I so weak?
I don't want to be drowned in a sea of confusion, a hopeless tossing of words, phrases, voices, too many voices, and screens, too many screens buzzing, my constant typing on the black keys, lined up in a shiny plastic row. They click at me and give me no history, no story.
When I look at the screen, there is no one there. Just words, just letters, advertisements and lights making my brain forget how to sleep. When I step away from the click-clicking of the keyboard, I can still hear it, the humming, the whirring, running, on and on it goes.
I walk across pine floors and I forget to notice the gorgeous light. I've forgotten the beauty of a story told on paper, bound and handed down between covers, the words kept for safe-keeping to be whispered quietly only between me and the Lord in the morning light.
When it all boils down and I'm left with the bottom , the pit of myself and mankind--what really matters?
There are too many voices, too many deadlines, too much rush and hurry, too many demands to meet, too much worry, too much reaching for me, hands grasping.
Where is God's voice in all of that? Because I can't hear it.
My heart is fragile and weak, it is easily swayed, weighed down with the cares of this world, and I am quickly overwhelmed and taken like a tsunami crashing over me.
I want to give my life for my Savior King.
If there is to be a tsunami, Oh Lord, wash over me, overtake me like the consuming mighty ocean, it's waters heavy and drenching, bending me, and burn me up with Your three times hotter holy flame. Consume me in the fires of your love that cannot be quenched.
Hold my hand as you stand in the flames with me. Here I want to powerfully, wrecklessly be lost in You. Here in Your deep lake of fire, I will swim and pray that You will come rescue me. Completely take me, wash me clean, relentlessly pouring and crashing over and over and over me.
My heart is weak, and I need you, oh, desperately how I need you. If there are to be swirling thoughts and voices that won't stop, Lord that it would be your voice circulating, permeating the synapses. Let me awake with Your holy voice calling my name relentless.
Let me not be able to get away from it, let me not escape You, when I rise with the sun, at mid-morning and again when I prepare lunch, when I sit outside in your creation while children run free and when I sit to consume the bread you've given and when I light the Lenten candle, when I lay head on pillow at night.
Lord, pursue me, Hound of Heaven, come hot and heavy after me, my thoughts haunted by you, my every waking moment pricked with awareness of you and my sleeping moments laid upon your pillow of grace, covered and cloaked in the blanket of Your wings.
Father, pursue me between the pages of books, descend upon me heavy as I teach my children Your ways, wash over me, bending me beneath the weight of Your glory as I bend to correct them, consume me with Your presence in the red letters of Jesus' words as I read in soft, early light, prick my heart with your holiness as I prepare meals, as I meditate on You, and follow hard after me as I serve Husband's needs, and never stop chasing me as I tap out words, only let the words pour pure as You separate the gold from the trash in Your holy fire.
And Father, teach me the meaning of these words, words that sweet Ann spoke:
"All art is a call to come to an altar, to come lay down and die to self. So be it. He is enough."
{An excerpt from Ann Voskamp's prayer, called A Blogger's Prayer}:
"I am no longer my own blogger, but Thine.
Refine me with each post how You will, rank me how You will.
Put me to service, or put me to suffering.
Let me be a follower, instead of seeking followers
Let me post for thee or be put aside for thee,
Lifted high, only for thee, or brought low, all for thee."
Go HERE to read the full Blogger's Prayer and get your own "Upside Down Blogger" button.
{An absolutely gorgeous song of worship--Savior King--you don't want to miss this! Worth the few minutes to watch. A God-glorifying display of corporate worship--watch a few times and let God fill you up, just wash over and over and over you, friend!!}
{A little dose of honesty and testimony? I had no idea what to write this morning, I wasn't even going to join in the counting this week due to exhaustion--I prayed and asked God to guide me and to use what I write to bring Him glory only...and this story and prayer poured out of me. I saw the Blogger's Prayer as I had never seen before! All for HIS glory!!}
Gratitude:
#608 A work day at the church and a couple hours spent there during a rare day date
#609 How it brought us closer--horizontally and vertically--gave us joy to serve
#610 How Husband said he was glad I convinced him to go even though he was tired--how we push one another constantly toward God and others--the beauty and glory of marriage God has blessed
#611 How this pushing toward God and loving others fulfills the two greatest commandments--and I wonder if maybe the Holy Spirit is speaking to one another through us? Oh, the beautiful mystery
#612 How Ivy runs to the door everytime, just at the last second when I'm heading down steps, even more than once, for a kiss and to say "bye, Mama. I love you."
#613 These sweet memories I will hold in my heart forever
#614 An email from a lovely friend telling me to not even write back, just to see the silver lining of all of us being sick, gather up my girls wrapped in blankets, watch movies, and drink something hot--and that is just what I did and will do more often when we aren't sick
#615 Lovely emails, warm comments from friends that make the heart toasty inside
#616 Ivy asking if she can pray for Lilly when she is sick, my nod, and her going over to her, laying hands and asking for God to heal
#617 Our new vehicle, finally here! Now I can take the girls to free classes, on field trips with the group, and to the doctor!
#618 How Lilly won't talk, just "Mmm, mmm"'s at us constantly and we laugh happy over our baby
#619 Knowing she's only this small once
#620 Knowing deep-down that God will take care of her, that she will eventually talk--if you are reading this, would you pray?
#621 Our home, a roof over our head
#622 Me learning to really make it home, a peaceful, safe place, not just a place of no rest for the weary
#623 Ivy's prayer at the supper table--her thanking God for everyone in her sweet voice--Mama, Daddy, sisters, and everything we've been given--a long list--this reminder from an angel child
#624 Being blessed financially so that we will soon be able to finish our kitchen--{I will finally have cabinets!}, make some badly-needed home repairs, close in and build the school room (!!), and buy all schooling needs--all praise to God!
#625 Ordering books, all kinds of lovely books!
#626 Husband and I sitting huddled on swing, warm blanket wrapped around us, drinking coffee in early morning--the only thing our voices and the song of the birds
#627 Staying home for Sabbath rest
#628 The medicine of a good clean comedy, Husband and I laughing together hard
#629 Surrendering to the season God has called forth in my life--staying in while the pollen stirs--trying to get well--writing less, just listening quietly to Him--oh, this is hard. Might you pray for me,
friends?
And how perfect it is--writing about feeling overwhelmed--and Ann has a beautiful Joy-In-A-Box over at her place today--a gift to cheer someone in need of joy, to cheer you in the giving, for the overwhelmed ones...
Join the JOY DARE with us? Click here to learn more...
Shared in community with sweet Ann and others at...
L.L....
Laura...
Jen...
and Michelle...
