I can see her, fourteen and shirt cut too low, flirting outrageous. Longing for some affirmation, drawing it out of them the only way she’s ever known. From toddling age, she learned her worth lies in sex and now fourteen and contaminated, her worth lies in tatters. Love’s understanding tainted by lust, shows a little more skin. As if their wandering eyes might justify her.
And hardened, the tears never come, so frustrated she cuts her wrists through with a blade. Punctured, she bleeds and the pressure releases.
She’s grown up in church and been filled with knowledge of the God who judges harshly, the distant Jesus with his thorny crown. Condemned, she’ll never measure up to the Sunday School Girls, so she hides in the hallway and melts into walls.
***
A decade on and the songs kept calling to me, singing me home and into the church. And tears came one day as I mouthed broken lyrics, telling how he loves me. A dam collapsed as I suddenly knew it - that he’d bled out to purify me - and week in, week out this heart cried, grateful.
They taught on Isaiah, stood before the throne and how he’d called out:
I am doomed, for I am a sinful man. I have filthy lips, and I live among a people with filthy lips.
Yet I have seen the King!
Isaiah 6:5
Yet I have seen the king - my spirit was quickened and I read about seraphim who cleansed lips with burning coals and asked who would be a messenger for the Lord? Isaiah, though he’d thought himself filthy, he’d responded all the same:
Here I am. Send me.
Isaiah 6:8
When mud clings to your soul and love has left you choking. When your worth is scattered, filthy rags about your feet - know this. You are loved with a pure love - the daughter of The King.
I could tell you I'd felt that truth wash right through, cleansing my inside out, but I'd be telling you lies. I wish I could say how I walk now, daily holding on to this. I forget to, so often. It's a glimmer of understanding, fanned flaming some days and I hope that one day it'll consume me.
***
It began with a response:
Here I am - I whispered it first and I sang it out, hopeful: Send me.
I'm Christian, mummy of two, wife to one, SAHM, and registered nurse. Once upon a time I was a teen mum too and my beautiful daughter is now nine years old. I love notebooks to near inappropriate levels, as well as music and buttery toast. My life has been by no means white-picket fenced but I'm working on my future, one scribbled-down page at a time.
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***Friends, this is the only Concrete Words post for July. I'm still on break, but will be guest-posting on the 19th of this month (more on that later), and I will also still be writing for Bibledude, so don't miss out on those. I'll be back the first week of August for Concrete Words! We will get right back on that horse and have fun doing it! Writing like we can fly, like balloons floating free to the sky, ever, ever higher. I love you all and thanks for sticking with me! Happy summer to you. May you be filled with grace, sunshine, love, rest, the exhileration of adventure, and deep, deep exhales, my friend.
What this link-up is about: We "write out spirit" by practicing writing about the invisible using concrete words. In case you are going "what in the world is a concrete word?!"--this just means (using the prompt to inspire) write out what's around us--concrete words make the senses come alive, gives place. In every story, there is always an above and beneath, a beside, something tucked away, aromas in the air, something calling in the trees or from the street, notes in our pocket, rocks in our shoes, sand between our toes. Go here to see Amber's take on this. It was very helpful to me--I think it will be beneficial for you, too.
A few simple guidelines: 1. Be sure you link up the URL to your Concrete Words
post and not just your blog home page URL.
2. Put a link to this post on your blog so that others
can find their way back here.
3. Try to visit one or two others and encourage their efforts
4. Please write along with us, using concrete words--
and the prompt--Please no entries with how-to's, advertising,
or sponsored posts
5. We connect on twitter with the hashtag #concretewords--
please share so others can join!
Today's prompt is the Tainted.
{Ruth will highlight a beautiful post from this link-up on Friday (and announce it on social media), so visit her place, or her facebook page (link above) to see whose post is highlighted and encourage them!}
Now let's have some fun with Concrete words! {Please be sure you've used the prompt before linking}
