We were arguing late at night, standing there on cold wood floors, moonlight streaming in, and all I want is to touch his face, for him to trace the lines of mine, and for us to hold each other close in our big four-poster bed with the windows all around, and I said some awful things. Love can make you do the truly abhorrent when you're lonely.
I said the "H" word--that four letter one that lets him know how I feel. I wounded and scarred up our home, the sacred, the holy. "I hate that you are so distant, that you never touch me, if you want to know the truth, I hate you when you make me feel this way!"
I wrecked everything, hurt him in my thirst for more. So we go to bed holding one another and when I turn over, the chain pulls him toward me and he scoots in close. I wake and touch feet to shiny pine, shuffle out of my bedroom in yoga pants and black flip-flops, feeling rested and slightly askew, step around a little pile of trash someone forgot to discard, and first thing I go and make sprite for my baby, hug my eldest who has been sick in the night.
She looks at me, her all spindly and hair disheveled and curled in fractured sunlight bouncing off, and I see pain in her eyes, and I wonder how much of the argument she heard on her end of the house. With all my babies' stomachs churning for the past week and running back and forth to the toilet even in black quiet when I can't hear, I pray it stops somehow. That this would be the end of this torment.
Depression has been hanging over me, a buzzard circling overhead, waiting for the right moment, that moment when life ceases.
I see the chains that bind. I see all the fears that keep me captive, make me a lunatic starving mad for affection in the middle of the night.
I'm linked, soul-bound to this man I said "Yes" to when he whispered in my ear so softly, as we both leaned in close, so unsure, right there on my parents' couch, "Will you marry me?"' Just a quiet hush, nothing more, almost a question, him needing my response to fully form his asking and let it hang free in the air.
I see that I'm afraid of losing him. I'm afraid he'll go so far away that he'll never return.
It can feel like that--when a man is distant, like he actually left physically. I ache and groan and grieve and misery spews out of my mouth in words that should never be uttered.
And there is only one way I know to put an end to all things vile. And that's what I do first thing, what the misery pushes me toward, and like an old song being played I know the steps to, I get out my bible and read a whole psalm.
I read through the first several verses alone and then I open right up, let breath flow out of me, and read the entirety of God's goodness to them. They fall back to sleep, all my sick littles, while I herald the good news. They are lulled by His grace and peace, settling down over them, covering, a down comforter, weighted and weightless.
I feel satiated and I know this is how to break the chains that have made me a prisoner and I'm a prisoner of my own making. I have chosen in my hurt to not forgive. I have forgotten to look up always, and every morning when I'm ravenous, to the One who satisfies, but especially during times of distance, of pain and suffering.
I feel it right there--how my spirit babe within grows strong at the nourishing breast of the Word. It's like a huge, tiny miracle right there on our old soft, beige couch in morning light spilling in through high, cathedral-like windows, and I'm offering my prayer, my confession right there, His body taken in my mouth.
I go 'round doling out little medicine cups of Sprite and Pedialyte, lovingly slapping cold rags on heads, tucking blankets firmly around aching bodies, kissing foreheads and hot cheeks, just prayin' I don't contract another round of it, and slathering Vaseline thick on cracking lips that whisper could they just have water? And I give my running-around-the-house two year old who is all better a big kiss on her baby-squishy soft cheek, just begs me nuzzle in close.
I look out the window and see them there, large black birds littering the yard, their thick, gangly red necks pecking at my children's toys, wings beating loud, fighting for territory. I frown at their hunkering, and I don't know why they are there, like they're just waiting for death.
I'm not sure if it's our illness, this misery, this decaying of life--of love--they sense, but I prance outside like a woman with fight in me and a broom and I shew those vultures away. It feels a little silly at first, but at my voice, they immediately beat away, all this blackness fleeing in morning light through the maples, and I feel loosed.
I see how powerful my voice is, how I can call on Jesus for us, for my own depravity. I swallow down the huge, tiny miracle that God has sustained me and when he walks in the door, I won't resent him. I will love him.
Whoa, sharing all of this, with quaking and trembling, asking God to undo these chains, loosen these fears in the confession...
**This post shared with Husband's permission, and I hope you will join me, friends, as I continue to write on marriage this week. God is leading my heart there, whispering to me, wooing me....
Still counting gifts in gratitude to my Father... {1,020-1036}.. This is good for the soul, no?
For fears relieved, for Lilly trying so hard to say a word for me, how her voice sounds so tiny, for all of us being so sick and getting the rest we need, for making up in the night, for snuggling, the way they all gather and lay on me when I lie down, how good it feels to nurture their little hearts, for Ivy cleaning my bedroom and laundry room without being asked just to cheer me up, for a break from routine and just long rest, watching movies together, cuddling, folding clothes, for Husband bringing home chicken noodle soup, sprite, and crackers for days in a row, for all of us learning to take care of one another, for God's freedom, for the power He's placed within and knowing I can access it--call upon Jesus' name...
Linking with Amber, Ann, Emily, Laura, Jen, LL, and Heather for Just Write
Also linking up with The Nester, and all the other 31-Dayers....This ought to be one wild, brave ride...
Do you struggle with fear-- of him leaving, of marriage not turning out quite like you thought? Of this love not playing out, not feeling the way you imagined it should feel, not fulfilling you the way you imagined it would? Please tell me your story? Have you seen God redeem these fears in your marriage? Have you found grace? Your comments so encourage me. I draw strength from your kind words and knowing you were here. My faith walk is seasoned with the right ingredients when you hang around...
This is one post in a series of 31 days of Fear. You can find the entire 31 Day collective here. {I've jumped from Day 12 to Day 22 because I want to finish this series at the end of the month & this gal started late}
I hope you will come with me on this journey--to get a taste of glorious redemption as I soul-search and look for Jesus smack-dab in the middle of my fears. And Jesus sits with sinners. I won't have to look very far.
I pray God gives me the strength and the courage to complete 31 days--y'all, it's going to be hard on this 'ol gal to write every.single.day. Pray for me?
Some other 31 Day collectives I'm loving: Shelly @ Redemptions Beauty, Amber Haines , and Lisa-Jo
