For When the Romance Has Gone Right Out of You {An Abstraction on Fire}

Standing on a drafty, cold wood floor in the pink and white striped furry slippers he bought me, I'm stirring yellow cake mix, and the pot roast juice. I stick a fork in piping hot, bright orange carrots to see if they're tender. The fork slides fast, all the way through. Red glows back at me from the stove top, its only use to create some heat in our one hundred year old kitchen.

I whip around to check the towel and footie pajamas in the drier for a cold, bath time straggler.

In a flurry of expectations, like a pressure cooker, slowly the steam begins to shoot out, forcefully, and I let words spew out.

I can be a hot tempered woman. I come from a line of them. Perhaps it's the German and Indian blood, the German that came overseas about four generations back, the Indian that's as close as my great-grandmother. I think I must have gotten a double or triple dose in the womb.

I so easily get all stirred up sometimes, and he knows me so well. He doesn't mind at all that I'm passionate when we're together alone, and the kids are all in their beds, warm, their footie pajama-ed feet all tangled up together at the end of my great-grandmother's antique hardwood bed.

But this--this is different. This kind of passion requires much patience from him. He says a few words, and Lilly looks at us, and suddenly I can feel the weight of the room, and am aware of how my tongue is causing tension.

I tell him I just need a little understanding because it's not easy to be at home 365 days a year, and have nothing to do but snuggle on the couch all day just to stay warm in the freezing cold.

I can see the mixture of incredulous disbelief, humor, and sympathy on his face. Incredulous disbelief and humor because getting up at four am in the eleven degree weather to drive to work in the dark, staying at home snuggling on the couch all day would be nothing short of heaven for him. Sympathy, because my statement smacks him in the face with honesty and the masks are off.

I feel badly for complaining as soon as I say it, but I need him to know the struggles that are difficult for me to speak about. It's all a bit hazy, the way I see him, myself, the day we said our vows, now, the past, our future.

Things are not what I thought they would be. When we started out, I thought there would be all this fire, passion, that he would grab me for no reason at all on a sidewalk somewhere and swing me around, my feet would lift off the ground, and he'd kiss me like I was his forever.

But here in the freezing cold kitchen, with my four year old watching, all I feel is the numbness of this everyday tug-o-war, and I'm battle weary. I don't feel the passion I think I ought to feel.

There is no fire to warm me as I look into his eyes and see a person that I love so fiercely, it can seem like hate.

The next moment, my head is buried in his chest, and it feels so warm and solid, holding me up and like I'm free-falling all at the same time, so peaceful, eyes closed. At his heart, I'm a baby curled up, such nurturing, such grounding I know there, if only for a moment before he turns away, so shy about intimacy.

My man, he does get me. He tells me to pour myself a glass of wine. Then I know everything will be alright. He's caring for me; how that settles me, makes my heart beat slower. I take a deep breath, watch the red slosh gently into the glass.

I tell him I can sort of tell he's irritable and I know what's bothering him. Wives are intuitive like that. I tell him I'm going to cut his hair after supper. I say, you have to do something for me, though, because my legs are hurting and I need to rest. 

So he fixes the supper plates, and my daughter brings me one. They stay in the kitchen for a while, talking, apparently, about something very important. I slide under the heavy quilts and hand-crocheted afghans on the couch and go to sleep. I hear, fuzzily, as if in a distant dream, him helping the kids brush their teeth and getting them into bed.

He wearily makes his way into the living room, and Lilly is frowning. I ask him what's wrong and he says she didn't want to go to bed, so for tonight she's lying with us. We all sidle up next to one another underneath the covers, sleeping on our huge couch because the bedroom feels like the arctic north, and our little heaters just can't crank out that much heat.

He says he can't even move his legs, the blankets are so heavy and we laugh. I ask him if he's upset about his hair not getting cut, and he shakes his head.

I fall back into the pillow, thankful for grace, and Lilly and I are sharing cheek and nose rubs when he lifts his head, looks over his shoulder at me, says his goodnight-- I love you.

I blink. Pleasantly surprised at my quiet man of so few words, I whisper, You do? 

I kiss him on the cheek, leaning over our four year old, and say You know the romance has just gone right out of us. Look at us--I wave around at the child between us and the blankets piled high and the cold living room, he turned away from me.

He half sighs, half laughs at me, because he knows why I say it. But the truth is, the romance never left.

It just took on a whole different look than I expected when I wore two veils and a tiara, and a cathedral trained dress fit for a princess.

Lying there, his love warms me head to toe, though the child is between us. Our bodies so close, one breathing, living organism, rising and falling of chests. The poetry of us, the grace, the love when we want to be irritable, the laughter--it's so romantic. And everyday, I learn this fact all over again.

His love, the making of supper plates, the running to the store for sandwich bags and creamer, the saying nothing when I'm moody, the putting those rambunctious, energetic children of ours to bed, and the getting up at four am every. single. day, no matter what--it moves me, it makes me feel cared for, and it makes me look at him with adoration.

There's fire between us, the literal product of our love-making, sandwiched right between us, a happy baby burrito. We love her and she loves us, and we love one another, and there is so much romance a Hollywood movie falls damn short.

"We are like butterflies who want to keep moving, keep flitting around and be free--but freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose.. what we want even more than freedom is to be loved, and we can only be loved when we are truly known. It takes a  lifetime of tears, laughter, arguments, loss and conversation with another human being to be truly known. We have to be patient. Marriage is dogged, determined patience. It's also one of the only ways we'll ever truly know ourselves. Because to know ourselves we have to stop flitting and face our demons in the face of another person who serves as our mirror. Who reflects the best and worst of ourselves back to us.... love is not something to wait for or hope for or look for--it's something to DO. Do not measure your marriage by how much love you feel today--measure it by how much love you've offered today. When you don't feel love--DO LOVE. Feelings follow doing, not the other way around. Lasting, True Love is not about being swept off your feet. Sometimes love is just sweeping the kitchen and being grateful that there is a kitchen and a partner who is contractually obligated to share it with you forever." --Glennon Doyle Melton

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." --Ruth Bell Graham
"It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain."--Ruth Bell Graham

What this link-up is about: We "write out spirit" by practicing writing about the invisible using concrete words. In case you are going "what in the world is a concrete word?!"--this just means (using the prompt to inspire) write out what's around us--concrete words make the senses come alive, gives place. In every story, there is always an above and beneath, a beside, something tucked away, aromas in the air, something calling in the trees or from the street, notes in our pocket, rocks in our shoes, sand between our toes. Go here to see Amber's take on this. It was very helpful to me--I think it will be beneficial for you, too.

A few simple guidelines:       1. Be sure you link up the URL to your Concrete Words
                                             post and not just your blog home page URL.
                                         2. Put a link to this post on your blog so that others
                                             can find their way back here.
                                         3. Try to visit one or two others and encourage their efforts
                                         4. Please write along with us, using concrete words--
                                             and the prompt--Please no entries with how-to's, advertising,
                                             or sponsored posts
                                         5. We connect on twitter with the hashtag #concretewords--
                                               please share so others can join!

Today's prompt is Fire. GO!

**{This link up will run for until Monday, the 13th, 7 am., giving you plenty of time to write and link-up before the next concrete words is posted that day. I will read your stories and highlight one of them from this link-up on social media on Monday, the 13th. On the 13th, the prompt will be Evergreen.}


  1. It is good to find warmth in one another on such cold days.

  2. I love what you have shared and the quotes at the end.
    So true so honest ...raw beauty.

  3. our view and our hope is sometimes so jaded by what we expect. we limit hope, packaging it up into something small and so specific. but He shows us that the *different* than what we (think we) want, is a gift in disguise. our willingness to receive it is our worship.

    You, as you are -- sometimes angry -- is someone who He wants you to know as deserving of love. not because of anything you do or could do better or who isn't enough, but because He made you to be YOU. He knew your tendencies and your flaws and your quirks by being human. and He wants you to accept you as you, too.

    to unwrap the gift He has for you in this -- in the fire that is there and that takes a different hue than you imagined it would take -- is a surrender and grace.

    Rich blessings as He continues to ignite the passion in your heart and ignite the fire within you to accept . . .


  4. Thank you for this, Nacole! My husband and I are marriage mentors at our church and last night we had dinner with a couple who has been married about 3-4 months. These were some of the EXACT issues that we "heard" underneath their trying-to-be-positive comments! Thank you for revealing your own struggles, so that others don't feel so alone! And thank you (and God!) for the perspective you have!!

  5. Nacole, I love the honesty here as you pour out your aching heart. It could be any one of us right there with you in the mess, mayhem and muddle of married life in all its grit, grace and glory moments. I can relate to the fire flaring angry as thoughts and assumptions get heated.
    Mine stems from an inability to truly love myself or see the worth of who I am in Christ's eyes ~ as well as my beloved husband's. Then there is giving and fogiving again and again as we crawl closer to the heart of the Father and discover how to accept, receive and return the glorious love He gives so lavishly to us.
    Beautiful thoughts beautifully expressed as always. Love the quotes too! Thank you. Be blessed as you survive and thrive in the heat of God's love for you and your loved ones. :) xx



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