It is hard to write about forgiveness, isn't it? Well, it was for me. I couldn't think of what to write, but it came to me in a whisper..."You can't write about forgiveness, because you are locked up inside...you are afraid...YOU have glacier-sized, Titanic-sinking unforgiveness and bitterness and your heart is like an open grave."
WHO can understand how to forgive? I think I have forgiven, and it all comes rushing back, needles threading my senses, wound open and seeping.
All these failings, all these tears, all this anger at myself, at people and loved ones who hurt me, these thoughts and fears that tear me up inside...make my world collide, a kaleidescope of pain.
How did I get here? Is He really mighty to save? When it is 1 am and I am all alone with the sin (failings, gracelessness, hurt, destruction) of the day, and I feel the damage deep--stirring deep within--when I have walked this desert 'round and 'round for all these years--have cried all these tears, banged fist on table and on His chest--the very chest of God--and pointed my finger at Heaven, said "WHY?"--is He the Comforter then?
When I've flung so many words, took it out on those who don't deserve, innocent little lives are hurt and those who are the cause go unscathed--is He the God of vengeance and justice then?
Why does it always seem that way? Like David, when he asked God why his enemies flourish while he suffers? I think David had a sensitive heart, and he held it inside--maybe he found it impossible to be tougher in that pit-place.
He went down there and he ached and wallowed in his misery. I wonder how long it took him to see that he had to forgive himself, and the enemies who had caused him pain?
****My dad after triple bypass open heart surgery--I'm so glad
that he is still with us, that I forgave, and that he asked
I need someone to tell me--HOW do I forgive when the pain swims around in my head, it pounds with the echos of the years...and the older I get...the louder the voices pierce and torment.
As I find myself lost and discover that it is these voices of pain that are causing me to lose my way, these voices that live with me every day...when friends, family, everyone I trust disappoints, when I am told that I'm not good enough, and I hear it over and over--from the most precious ones of Christ who are supposed to help support, uphold, and advocate--how do I let go? When the answer to every prayer seems to be "No"?
When in my grief, sorrow, and pit-dwelling, I blaze a path of destruction through my home, and my tongue lashes out bitterness and not grace and not once, but habitually and it is in this place that I can't seem to get hold of myself--is He near then?
And this tugs at me from deep within...from where the throbbing pain lives...from within the walls of the throes of childbirth--an agony carried with me--my burden--the pricking thing that I can't let go--won't drop. It smarts and shoots and my stitches come undone, and I'm a mess all over again, and the cataclysmal blame massacre ensues.
When will I be free? Why did God allow this hurt? Why does He let it continue and why does He not stop them? Will He let it break me? I think I'm too easily broken--and I see the pity and disgust, maybe disdain in eyes. Is that the result He wants--for me to be completely broken and despised like His Son?
Maybe, maybe, that is His purpose.
"God does all these things to a man, twice, even three times, to turn back his soul from the pit, that the light of life may shine on him." (ref: book of Job)
"It will be (God's) personal agenda to make sure you are miserable enough in that...pit to where you are ready to say 'I'm ready to do anything to get out!'"
"I beg you to see that your enemy has a tremendous investment, not only in digging and camoflouging a pit in your pathway, but also you should tumble down, and in convincing you to stay there after you fall in. (Satan) knows in this pit you will feel powerless to stand up against him. There you are vulnerable to him and out of the way."
"I felt like there have been times He (God) said of my own life, 'How much fire do you want me to turn up in this place? How hot do you want this to get?'"
--Beth Moore, on Life Today talking about her book, Get Out of That Pit: Straight Talk about God's Deliverance
So strange that I already KNEW this...I mean, I have the theology...I understand in my head that all things come from God--the good, the bad, the in-between, the desert times, the trials and hardships--I understand it in my head, but will someone please explain it to my heart?
Maybe, just maybe, the only way that I can have it be understood in my heart, let go, quiet the echos of pain that follow me, and forgive--really be free of this thing--is to lay it at the foot of the cross. And maybe God is saying to me--"How much fire do you want me to turn up in this place?"
Maybe He is turning up the fire so that I will claw and dig from my pit toward the foot of that sacred tree.
That sacred tree...Oh how precious, oh how I cherish that bloody tree, where the One Man hung for all the world to despise...all for me, for me...all so I can find forgiveness.
Not only that, but He did more for me--in the cross, I find all of my answers--He IS Comforter, He IS a God of vengeance and justice. He IS mighty to save, and He is near. And I must leave it all, right here at His feet.
I pray that I can grasp this concept and live it well that my children will live it even better, offering forgiveness to one another easily....
And maybe a little forgiveness for me as well:
******Lilly at 7 mo.
Below is a video of Darlene Zschech singing "At The Cross"--if you would like to watch--it is beautiful--captures this idea in song... Listen to the words and just let them wash over you...
Another video Here with good truth in it...I needed the truth found here this week--just soaked it in, and I encourage you to as well, especially if you are struggling with forgiveness...
You can go over to Ann V's site to see more stories like this, or share your own...
Just beautiful Nacole...real...raw...moving toward forgiveness...it takes courage to forgive...you show courage here...I am proud of you:)
ReplyDeleteMy post from Wed. talks of the same hard forgiveness.
Glad to see you post...
Blessings and prayers to you sweet lady...
Ro
I think sometimes you're like me - you struggle with the rear that what you write won't be good enough, that you aren't good enough - and then you sin beauty like a tapestry of gold. It was a long piece and I wanted to skim - but I can't skim your stuff - afraid I'll miss something. I think I could write like you if I didn't have the two blogs - and a posts each day. A post that I really try to make something of quality. I think you have been the woman in the story I wrote - I can feel the broken - I can feel the faith. I am always touched by your words. The struggle to forgive, the struggle to accept forgiveness - Nacole - well done!! Well done!! Now that wasn't so hard was it? :) God Bless you and all of yours my friend.
ReplyDelete"So strange that I already KNEW this...I mean, I have the theology...I understand in my head that all things come from God--the good, the bad, the in-between, the desert times, the trials and hardships--I understand it in my head, but will someone please explain it to my heart?"
ReplyDeleteAh, yes. The heart...
Something I have been learning lately when it comes to these things.
That it is not I who needs to bring about change but rather it is He working through this heart to bring about change that will make the difference.
So often I try to live it on my own thinking I need to do something for God to make him love me not understanding that it is Christ in me who works according to His purposes not me working to make sure I'm loved by Him.
I've only touched the top of the iceberg but there is a peace in my soul that hasn't been there before in considering all these things.
Praying alongside you dear Nacole.
that is so good, Keisha. and you are so right. it is resting in His grace, as I've written about several times. but us humans find it hard to just rest, don't we? i believe that is because we all come with a sinful nature that at it's conception, wants to be like God--that was the sin in the garden. and because of this, we have such a hard time relaxing in His grace, and allowing ourselves to suffer in humility and perseverance for His name sake--I do anyway...it is always the struggle. as soon as i think i learn, i am right back there again.
ReplyDeletei have gleaned so much from reading Ann V's blog, Craig's and other women bloggers who write on the love of God.
you all have been my lifeline--especially special friends like you--thank you.
blessings.
oops--sorry, Ells...i saw your comment also...it touched me so much.
ReplyDeletethank you, thank you for your kind words of encouragement and for being there for me.
the way that God has been taking care of me through your caring and loving friendship and others--i am simply amazed--i think that was His purpose--to have me be amazed in wonder at Him again.
thank you.
blessings and love, friend!
Craig,
ReplyDeletehow can i respond to such a comment? you give the sweetest compliments. and once again, i am humbled, and my confidence level is boosted--thanks for this.
and to answer your question, yes it was very hard--but no, not so hard as i thought with the help and encouragement of friends like you! and you need to know that i cried through this process of writing this--and i had a breakthrough. i know that God has a complete healing in store for me, in His timing--but whatever heaviness was on me, is gone. i feel lighter, like i gave Him the load through confessing to all of you. thank you!
blessings, friend!
Nacole - you describe it perfectly the hurt that leads to forgiveness. I realized as I worked through forgiving my day for walking out on my life - well, that fogiveness is a a process. The depth of forgiveness matches the depth of the hurt - right? Maybe? And, like a thorn buried deep inside, it festers itself out. I cried out for what the hurt, what my dad left out of my life. I think I went through tremdnous anger - because I realized when I got older what he took from me, the love of a father for a daughter. Then, after I got worn from the anger, I shifted to regret, for what might have been - and then I forgave. Except he never asked to be forgiven. But I forgave - and asked God to fill that emptiness, to fill the empty father/daughter with Him. And, slowly, dady by day, he did. And, like a child, I reached my arms out in praise and He picked me up:)
ReplyDeleteI have had days like you describe - and you know - you care. You want to overcome. And because that is your heart - you will. God will take you there! He will.
I understand why it was so hard for you to write about forgiveness. I've walked that walk, too:)
http://bluecottonmemory.wordpress.com/2011/06/19/fathers-day-for-the-fatherless/
Mary Leigh,
ReplyDeleteso good to hear from you! im sorry that i havent been over to read much--i was sort of out of the loop last week with all of my debating over this topic.
thank you for sharing what you did--wow, i am honored that you would be so vulnerable, and you have helped me in this way--by being so vulnerable and kind, and giving friendship and mentorship as well, though you may not have known it!
thank you for your encouragement--this lets me know i am on the right path with my writing, and what is ragged and rough around the edges can only get better with encouragement from friends like you!
thank you, also, for saying that i will, i will overcome. yes, i will--as i take in the grace and allow Him to pour it over. over and over. i see that now, just drowning, sinking in it.
blessings, friend.