sixinthesticks: Fumbling Toward Destruction {Edited Edition}

4.25.2012

Fumbling Toward Destruction {Edited Edition}

You can go here to get the beginning to this story....which will help you understand the second part better....

So I began stumbling down this dark path, numb and despondent me, groping along as if blind. And somewhere around the age of 12 or 13, I began to have an aversion to eating. Greasy hamburgers made my stomach turn, and when placed in front of me, I begrudgingly ate a few small bites, and then threw it up.

I was so dislocated from everyone else. They were all enjoying the meal together and talking and laughing but it was like I was on the outside of a dark glass, looking in, unable to join in, this depressed bubble impermeable. I did not like mealtime--I spent my time closed off in the bathroom--isolated, all alone. Paranoia consumed me. When anyone made a comment about how little or how much I ate, the paranoia wrestled me to the ground and strangled me. I suffocated under the weight of this monster. I couldn't breathe.

The only comfort to me was the only thing familiar--me--just the way I'd always been. The little girl me was scared and didn't want to change, didn't want hips, extra fat, things I didn't recognize--I was losing me. Maybe I was trying to control a life that felt a little like it was on a runaway train. Maybe this was the way I reacted to the negative things said about me--I self-inflicted pain.

I scratched at the wounds and let them bleed out.

{I'm over at Chasing Silhouettes, Emily's (of Imperfect Prose) eating disorder blog, if you would like to follow me there for the rest of the story? Just hover and click on the link there. I'll be there, waiting with a warm smile, ready to continue the conversation, friends. I can't promise tea and hors d'oeuvres, but you are welcome to bring along chocolate, or coffee, or vise of your choice.....Sharing with trembling, friends...}

WAIT! Just one more thing before you go? I am excited about this free ebook, Giving Up Normal: Surburban Girl Meets the Streets from my friend, Alene--not because I've read it already--it's only recently been made available--but because I just love her heart and I know the message and reading her heart is going to be awesome! PLUS--It's FREE! Who couldn't be excited about that?! Please follow the link just above to get your free copy--or just show some love to this sweet, God-adventurous, generous woman!