So I began stumbling down this dark path, numb and despondent me, groping along as if blind. And somewhere around the age of 12 or 13, I began to have an aversion to eating. Greasy hamburgers made my stomach turn, and when placed in front of me, I begrudgingly ate a few small bites, and then threw it up.
I was so dislocated from everyone else. They were all enjoying the meal together and talking and laughing but it was like I was on the outside of a dark glass, looking in, unable to join in, this depressed bubble impermeable. I did not like mealtime--I spent my time closed off in the bathroom--isolated, all alone. Paranoia consumed me. When anyone made a comment about how little or how much I ate, the paranoia wrestled me to the ground and strangled me. I suffocated under the weight of this monster. I couldn't breathe.
The only comfort to me was the only thing familiar--me--just the way I'd always been. The little girl me was scared and didn't want to change, didn't want hips, extra fat, things I didn't recognize--I was losing me. Maybe I was trying to control a life that felt a little like it was on a runaway train. Maybe this was the way I reacted to the negative things said about me--I self-inflicted pain.
I scratched at the wounds and let them bleed out.
{I'm over at Chasing Silhouettes, Emily's (of Imperfect Prose) eating disorder blog, if you would like to follow me there for the rest of the story? Just hover and click on the link there. I'll be there, waiting with a warm smile, ready to continue the conversation, friends. I can't promise tea and hors d'oeuvres, but you are welcome to bring along chocolate, or coffee, or vise of your choice.....Sharing with trembling, friends...}
WAIT! Just one more thing before you go? I am excited about this free ebook, Giving Up Normal: Surburban Girl Meets the Streets from my friend, Alene--not because I've read it already--it's only recently been made available--but because I just love her heart and I know the message and reading her heart is going to be awesome! PLUS--It's FREE! Who couldn't be excited about that?! Please follow the link just above to get your free copy--or just show some love to this sweet, God-adventurous, generous woman!
Shared with precious Emily and others in community at....
sweet Ann in community at...
L.L....
Laura...
Jennifer...
Shanda...
and Michelle...
So lovely. And I signed up for that ebook too, can't wait!
ReplyDeleteNacole, you've been on my heart all week, and I've thanked the Lord a thousand times over for YOU and the depth of your desire to become the woman He wants you to be. I've read your story several times over, put it in perspective with all the beautiful posts you have written here, and I see a butterfly struggling so for new life as it heroes it's way out of that coccoon. Is it not the struggle that empowers us with strength for the new life, the death of the flower that ultimately drops seed and gives new life? Just as in the Old Testament where they built altars in the places of great struggle and victory, places of meeting God, places of change --- so we have scars, memories, and we limp --- our alters that every so often we can go back and remember all that we were, all that He did, and all we are becoming because of our meeting Him face to face. I thank you for this amazing act of courage to share your struggling soul because in doing so, you showed me Him!
ReplyDeleteVisiting from your SDG small group. I've been here before and always love visiting. I deeply appreciate your authenticity and willingness to share your heart. Looking forward to getting to know you better:)
ReplyDeleteThank you for being willing to be so open and share this.
ReplyDeleteI am visiting from your SDG small group, too. First I love the spelling of your name! Thanks for sharing your story and for being vulnerable. Oh the healing we find in knowing how loved by God we are.
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